It’s very difficult for me to think that January ’15 is already behind us. I still feel as though 2015 has only just begun. I mean, that’s still true, but I still find it moving at an alarming pace.
Once I started working at Blue Sky Studios (as opposed to every other job I’ve had–ever), I did notice that the weeks tended (and continue) to fly by. Tuesdays and Thursdays are usually slightly quieter days in the schedule, but some weeks I swear we just up and decide to skip those days entirely.
When I first started working here, I remember desperately wishing that I could fast forward to about 3-4 months in the future. I felt that in that time I’d have a much better idea about how things worked, and wouldn’t feel so lost–literally and figuratively–all the time. I’m happy to say that my assumptions were correct. Here we are right at the 4 month mark, and sure enough I feel as though I “get it.” I’m not saying by any means that I know all there is to the studio, or department, or even my own role. I won’t know that until I get through a whole film, and even then no two are ever the same. Nothing is ever the same. I interviewed for this job, moved into a hotel during my first week, and got my apartment that weekend. Everything happened so fast and I was learning everything as I went. Christmas and New Years was my first proper ‘break’ from the grind of a full-time gig, and although I was not into the holiday spirit in 2014, I was able to re-center myself a bit. Having evaluated the first months there, I re-focused.
I feel like I leveled up. Like I have finally developed more of an instinct and voice. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to admit when these good feelings and things happen–it feels like I’m jinxing myself and it will go to shit to re-balance the good and bad. In fact, I didn’t really tell anyone I had the interview, fearing that would ruin it (and that I’d then have to follow up and admit that I had failed). My aunt found it simultaneously hilarious and alarming when I confided both the that I had the interview and my fears about telling her that I had the interview (never one actively fearing the actual interview). It’s like a strange…I don’t know…not survivor’s guilt, but something in that realm. It feels as though any moment now someone will realize I’ve had too many good things going for me and take them away to knock me down a few pegs. The way I am enslaved to my warped sense of karma and balance has definitely affected my life more than I’d care to admit.
So this will be my little rebellion against myself, the first step in re-building the confidence I had, the self-assurance that I lost these last three years.
I feel I improved outside of work this past month as well, in taking care of my body more. On the flip side, I have been ignoring my thesis, and my desire to make animation videos. To be honest, the only thing I’m properly motivated about is work. There is a good momentum going that I don’t want to lose, that I don’t want my mind to tell me will end just because it’s been good for too long (seriously, WTF Jen). This month, in addition to improving at work, I do need to work more on my life outside the studio. Sometimes I find that I simply exist, and forget to actually live.